So, I know I generally post makeup related shennanigans, or at least happy, fun things here but this time, this post isn't exactly happy. In fact, it's quite far from it.
Normally I'm uncomfortable posting really intense, deep feelings of mine for all to see. I mean, I'm torn; part of me wants to share with someone this stupid feeling of mine and hope that maybe, just maybe, they will feel the same way. Yet at the same time, having anyone read this and think "God, what a whiny little snot!" or something along the lines of that is absolutely mortifying. But I'm going to do it. I am going to take the plunge.
I am really torn. I think it's fairly obvious I am a social hermit. But it doesn't stop there. I am TERRIBLE at interacting with people. I don't know why. I mean, my parents are fairly outgoing people. I don't know what went wrong, or how, but I won't get into the psychology behind that. Sometimes in a way, I feel almost mildly autistic. I know I am not, by far, because I know generally how to gage other emotions, but sometimes I seem to be a bit lacking in that department. Like I remember there was this one test we took in psychology (for fun) that was given to test if you could read other's emotions. I failed for the most part.
So lets just say I am not really confident in my ability to see other's emotions. Thats why I have so many few female friends. Because, lets be honest, the majority of females rarely show their true feelings, its all hidden. For someone who is emotionally-stupid (i.e.,me), reading REGULAR emotions is hard enough, so trying to read someone who obscures their emotions is even worse.
But all that aside, my main problem is having close relationships with people. I mean, ok, I've met a lot of awesome people through the internet, that I never would have conversed with IRL if it wasn't for BlogTV, Youtube, Twitter, Blogger, AIM,etc. And I'm glad; I wouldn't change a thing. And while I know how to be nice and "normal" and behave in a (generally) culturally acceptable way, I don't know how to do anything further, like gain close relationships.
I guess I don't believe in myself. I don't know if by saying something I'll be too pushy, or too distant. I can't really gage in between. I mean, I've seen some radical examples of fanatical people, or just people not "liked" by the internet community, and I am deathly afraid I will be like one of those people and don't realize it. So in my fear, I stay away.
I don't expect people to treat me like we're BFFs. It's not their obligation. I'm not complaining like "OMG THEY DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME". It's not that at all. I kind of wish I could become closer with some people (as creepy as it sounds) but I really don't know how to go there. Ive tried just letting time pass,for I figure "you dont MAKE friendships, it kind of just happens". But I don't know. I just... meh.
I realize this is really incredibly shallow and stupid but I sometimes feel like I'm impeding on some thing that really I am not appart of, but worst of all, that I'm screwing up. Sometimes it's just easier to stay away.
I guess what I'm just trying to say is sometimes I feel like I should stay away but I can't. Like I don't know if this is REALLY how it is, and that I really am being a nuisance to everyone, or if it's just my stupid insecurities. And I'm afraid to ask anyone, because people tend to pad the truth "Oh not at all!" even if it is a blatant lie, or ... if I ask they'll think I'm some creepy possesive stalker person. I'm not.
Sorry this post was so... negative.
I try not to pour my problems on to other people but I just had to vent.
I may delete this eventually. IDK.